Grief exists in here

I climbed a small mountain today,

Trudging slowly and sadly,

Each step laden by the unbearable weight

Of a bereaved heart.

Grief exists in here,

A mountain of pain bearing down on me from the inside,

Bringing me the need

to muster all my strength –

What feeble power –

To pick each foot up off the rocky path

And set it down again,

Again and again.

Even the quiet tears

That pooled in my eyes

Didn’t relieve me of any of my burden

As I walked among the knowledge

That you’re gone,

As I wearily climbed

Pushing myself onward

With the awareness that you are not here

And you will not be here again

Walking beside me

Full of gentleness and warmth

Enthusiasm and love –

Such tender love –

No, the knowledge plagues me

Inescapably, unalterably,

And I am forced to face it

Again and again.

With each cumbersome step

And every reluctant breath

I carried that leaden weight

All the way up to the very top

Where I felt no inner glow of accomplishment

For you were not there either.

I could see far and wide

With absolute clarity on all sides

Yet whether I looked up or down

Or on all sides all around

I knew the torturous truth

That you were not there,

Nowhere to be found and held again.

There was the steep descent before me

And the heavy weight to carry back down

Step by wearisome step

Moment by painful moment.

Grief bears down on me

So heavy and all consuming

Until even the act of breathing

Becomes a labour

And the bright warmth of the sun

Only a glaring tease

Taunting me of what is no longer to be found.

Grief exists in here,

Having taken up residence

And set up shop.

I climbed a small mountain today

To learn how to carry this new shape

To see if anything could be dislodged

And I know yet again

Grief exists in here.